May 2 blog
Aristotle hypothesized that there is something beyond the chain of cause and effect, beyond the immovable force that started it all. The first cause in any matter is beyond my understanding, and it requires great effort for me to accept this.
When I was first diagnosed with lymphoma, I wanted to know how and why I got cancer. I wondered what chain of events caused it, contemplated when it began. After learning that lymphoma is a cancer that is likely the result of toxic exposure heightened my desire to answer these questions. In my quest for answers, I recalledthe copious amounts of DEET that I had used when I worked in Central and South America, obsessed over a lifetime of pesticides, poisons or viruses to which I had been exposed.
Only recently has it occurred to me that such contemplation is not helpful. I will never have the privilege of fully knowing the answers, and such thinking robs me of being fully present. The cause of my cancer matters very little right now, as it is in the past. Rather than ruminate and becoming lost in thought, I am embracing not knowing, hoping I will find peace and acceptance of the way things are.