My study of yoga began well over 25 years ago, and I have been a dedicated pupil of BKS Iyengar since 1991.
Since my recent diagnosis, however, I believe that only now am I truly moving into this practice, and I feel riveted to the present moment like never before.
I am unable to do any asanas at all, as I had thoracic surgery in early December and then had a port surgically placed last week. I miss being able to move, but know that asana is just one limb of yoga practice. I want to move, I miss feeling hunger and wish this horrid nausea would subside.
An aversion to negative feelings, which include fear, and grief and loss will not prevent them from exposing themselves. I have to train my mind to accept what is happening. It may be the most difficult chapter of my yoga practice yet.
I am learning that there is room for fear, grief, loss, and even nausea, and that there is also room for joy and gratitude and perhaps even relief.
I have a very treatable kind of cancer, and have an amazing team of doctors and nurses to support me. I have received immeasurable amounts oflove and support .
Avoiding what comes up is not an option. Good thoughts and negative thoughts appear. I am not evolved enough to fully embrace negative emotions, but I do understand that learning radical acceptance will provide better consequences.
I would trade blindness, numbness, and denial for cancer, but accepting things as they are is the path I must take. I cannot control anything right now, but I can accept the task of looking at things as they are.
The miracle of Western medicine has already gone to war on my cancer. It is up to me to wage peace within myself.
Deborah Baker
Park Hill Yoga
parkhillyoga.com